Why Baby Why

Why oh why can't I get the thought of having a baby out of my head? I mean what can I do about it...my tubes have been cut and cauterized...I even went so far as getting a laparoscopy to see if all my girl parts were still in good shape to get them "put back together". Everything looked good....so scheduled surgery to reverse my tubal. Well, the morning of my operation I chickened out! I also had the "guilt's"...and "what ifs". Here I had four amazing, healthy boys...what if something happened...how would it make them feel...All these *feelings* I couldn't get a hold of...How fair is it to go through with something that I was feeling selfish for doing...So here is where I am...CONSTANTLY thinking back to the day I could have had a chance to be a *mommy* again...I'm blessed to be a mom, but to bring a child into the world with the love of my life and have that opportunity to nurse again, go through all those fun stages, teaching moments...Then I start feeling bad again...some women will never experience that at all...why must I hold on to having a baby. 

So guess what I did all afternoon? Read on IVF! Insurance won't pay for any of it...and like I said, I have four other boys and my husband has two girls. My boys' father and I brought our boys into this world with love but we were not *in love*...Actually I didn't really know how to love a man until I met my husband...nor until I met him have I been able to receive love. It is just so different and I want to experience having, making a baby IN LOVE! 

Now, after writing this I feel a tad selfish...I am almost 39! When will this need pass? It's not a void I'm trying to fill...How oh how do I get passed this?